Beware. This one's in the running for
longest, most
unproductive blog post ever. This week, ABC decided to grace us with 2 episodes and not just one. My theory? Even the big-wigs at ABC can't bear to watch JP's fickle, lip-biting, vocabulary-lacking
petting fests any more.
If you make it through this post, you are officially unable to be bored. If I don't finish this post, I have officially succumbed to the boredom of listening to JP.
Hometown dates are up first. Let's see how long it takes these folks to figure out JP's a total jerk wad.
Nikki is up first. Like typical Bachelor fashion, she runs to greet him. Anyone notice Nikki's hair makeover? All of a sudden it's longer and less frizzy.
Nikki takes him to enjoy 'gas station barbecue'. Fantastic choice my dear. She follows that up with mechanical bull-riding. Normally I would chastise her decision-making ability, but this may have been my favorite JP moment of the season. I was hoping for more of a beat down.
She wants to tell him she loves him but she can't find the words.
I.
Love.
You.
You're welcome Nikki.
Nikki's family is very welcoming. Then they ask about the flight from Korea. Nikki says she traveled in the lowly coach section while JP got to ride first-class. Immediately after, mom wants to have a talk. I imagine her telling Nikki to leave Mr. Fancy Pants and book him a bus ticket home.
Nikki tells Mom that she's in love with him. Mom responds a bit differently than I would. She would be 'supportive'. I would tie her to the chair and tell her she is not allowed to exit time-out until JP is in another country.
JP has a heart to heart with Dad. He talks and I'm bored. Again. Dad mentions several times that he trusts Nikki. I think that's code for "I don't trust you, but don't want to be the mean dad that ruins a TV show for my daughter."
Dad and Nikki talk with 'awesome' and 'magical' cliches. She sounds like she's on a job interview. This family is so calm and normal I think they belong in the 1950's.
Newsflash: Nikki fails yet again to tell JP she loves him. That may be the smartest decision she's made on this show.
Clearly the girls all had time for a hometown makeover, because Andi shows up with a fresh ombre. JP says there is something going on between them. Well I certainly hope so, since you are meeting her family today.
Boy I hope Andi's date is better planned than Nikki's. She takes him to a gun range. Well Andi, when this doesn't work out, half the men in this country now want to date you.
She hit the bulls-eye. Many times. Look out JP. You break up with her and you may face some serious consequences.
Andi tells him he has to shoot a bulls-eye to come home with her. He hits like one out of fifty-seven... while using a gun that is about a tenth the size of Andi's.
Okay.. the sign on the door says, "Welcome home Pookie!" Do these people know they are on national TV? And how is this gun range obsessed, assistant district attorney's nickname 'Pookie'? Can't wait to meet Pookie's family.
Andi says she is 'waiting to fall in love' and that her family will definitely affect her opinion. Well dear... keep waiting. JP isn't getting any more charming or intelligent.
Dad looks like he is ready to pounce. I am loving this. JP is panicking. After all, JP could be outwitted by a sheep. Okay, that's mean. Maybe a dog.
Dad is calling it like it is. He describes them as 'infatuated' with each other. And I'm going to listen to his opinion since he's been married for thirty years.
Mom talks to JP. I must say, I see where Andi gets her sense of humor. Mom makes JP and Andi dance while she makes fun of her daughter. A woman after my own heart. Rock on Patti.
Dad's turn. Buckle your seat belts. He gives JP a piece of advice. It sounds a lot like, "Get the heck out." Dad is not ready to give JP his blessing. He kindly explains that no man dating three other women is good enough for his daughter. JP responds with, "That's great."
Well said my friend.
Andi's sister is quite insightful. She tells her that she is unsure of the relationship, because she's not sure what Andi is feeling. Considering what Andi told us ten minutes ago, I'd say she knows her sister pretty well. While talking to Dad, Andi has an epiphany of feelings and suddenly 'knows where she's at'. However, she fails to clarify where that would be. I'm so confused.
She clarifies her feelings when he leaves by telling us, "I could be falling in love." FYI.
Next we travel to Retirement Center USA {Sarasota, FL} to see Mama Renee. No wonder she's so wise... she lives in a community of elderly folks. She takes him to her son's Little League game. She sees her son for the first time since being home. And he is so cute and adorable and sweet. I mean seriously. These two are wayyyyy too good for JP.
Renee's family is as sweet, mature, calm, and natural as she is. Soooo... no drama on this visit. If JP has any sense at all, he will pick this woman. But... if this season is any indication of his decision making ability {think ocean frolic with Clare}, he won't.
Renee, like Nikki, fails to tell him she loves him. These women are getting smarter and smarter.
Time for Miss Veneers. I think she tweaked her nose yet again, because her nostrils are permanently flared. JP says Clare is smart. This solidifies my opinion that he is not.
The hand gestures are a-flying. The hair is a-flipping. The nostrils are a-flaring. The teeth are a-blinding. The gum is a-chewing.
JP is thrilled that she's finally opening up to him. Apparently the rendezvous in the ocean was not open enough for him.
Clare has five sisters. No wonder she's so attention-starved. The family wants to hear their 'adventure'. Clare's 50 year old sister {or that's my estimate} loves the attention he is constantly giving her. Clearly, she knows little sis well.
Clare shares how they went to the ocean twice in one day. One sister notes, "That's a lot of swimming."
Wrong. It's a lot of something, but it sure ain't swimming.
One of Clare's sisters seems to enjoy the role of Debbie Downer. She reminds her sister that she may not win. Boo yah. Then she backs that up with telling her they're not ready to give him their blessing.
Oh no she didn't.
Clare is immediately frustrated and ready to pounce. Clare and sis argue about 'Mama' while she is literally sitting in the middle of the two of them. Awkward. Clare asks them to trust her, and... oh wait, she was interrupted by sis again. Sis stands up in attack mode and they continue to discuss Mama's thoughts {which she has yet to verbalize} as dear Mama becomes an innocent bystander. Crazy sis then moves to the side of the yard to observe.
Wow. Clearly the crazy apple doesn't fall far from the tree.
Clare cries for the 48th time. She finds comfort by bad-mouthing crazy sis to old-lady sis. I think they're auditioning for a soap opera.
Crazy sis continues to look like she wants to beat the tar out of younger sis while she sits and plots and holds the family dog. Creepy much?
JP suddenly reappears. I forgot he was even on this date. Mama is ready to chat with JP. Guess who comes along? Crazy sis. Clare tells crazy sis to leave. JP tells her it's okay and waves her off. This date is my new favorite thing.
Mama and JP converse in Spanish. I tune out and admire Mama's beautiful white hair. I hope I have that hair color when I'm old. And I hope that Mama's daughter gets sent packing.
Rose ceremony time. We finally see Chris this season as he walks the ladies out and tells them where to stand. You are really earning your paycheck Chris.
During Chris's explanation, Clare looks like she's gaining a wealth of knowledge. Priceless.
Roses: Nikki, Clare, Andi.
Bye-bye Renee, the most mature, low-maintenance person every to set foot on the Bachelor. She handles the break-up like a champ. I would definitely say make her the next Bachelorette, except she is clearly to good for this show. She pours her heart out, and he responds with, "You're so great." I can't wait until he dumps Clare {fingers crossed} and she slaps him in the face.
Well... it's time for two more hours of this. Bonus episode!
Is there a character limit to blog posts? I'm about to find out...
Off to St. Lucia. I hope this island is prepared for some Fantasy Suite drama. JP think it's "so pretty". Did anyone suggest a thesaurus as a necessary travel companion for this guy? Or an English class? Have mercy.
Clare's date is first. Thrilling. Clare is unsure if she will stay overnight with him. I guess she forgot her frolic in the ocean. {By the way, thanks ABC for the close-up shot of Clare's cheeks hanging out of her bikini bottom.}
Clare decides to tell JP about her convo with crazy sis and Mama. Apparently her conversation with them was completely different than the one I witnessed on TV. Liar liar pants on fire. This girl is freakishly good at being shady. Master Manipulator.
Oh great. These two are back in the ocean. Thankfully the cameras leave soon after.
Time for dinner and the Fantasy Suite card. She is still 'undecided'. Clare is talking with some scarily pursed lips and giving him the 'seductive' eye. Then she waves her hand in front his face. How much alcohol has this girl consumed?
Oh the agony. Such a tough decision. JP has his focused, 'deep thought' look on his face. Clare is already holding the key to the suite, so I'm going to take a leap and say she is going to the Fantasy Suite.
Yep.
JP is not okay with frolicking with a lady in the ocean in front of his daughter, but entering a hotel room is just fine. Camilla, you can now use dad's raging hormones as a way to get anything you want in the future.
JP prophesies that tomorrow, when they wake up, they will know a lot more about each other. He then does more petting. He says she is 'thinking a lot'. But really, there is just not a whole lot to say between these two.
She finally spits out that she loves him while pursing her lips in only a way that plastic surgery can provide. She blinks dramatically and tears up. Clare has officially been booked for daytime television.
"You melted me." Thank you Clare for the line of the season.
Hot-tub session. Check. Baby talk. Check. Candles. Check.
Moving on...
Andi's turn. JP starts the day with, and I quote, "My sleepover with Clare was great." Really?
I have no words.
None.
They go for a walk, play some steel drums, and eat with some cute kids. JP feeds the little ones and charms Andi. The kids mention they play 'soccer' {I'm sure producers had nothing to do with this} so they play a pick-up game. Then they ride around in some sort of dune buggy. Yawn.
JP takes her to a waterfall. The water is the beautiful color of puke-green-brown.
They talk about Andi's family. JP does the worst impression of Andi's dad. It was astonishingly bad and high-pitched. After this, they go in the water. I pray they have had their tetanus shots. And Hepatitis vaccines.
Evening time. JP wants to know how she feels and be sure that she's not forcing anything {like we are forcing ourselves to keep watching JP's train wreck of a season}. I'm starting to cut back on JP quotes because there are so many bad ones, that I simply am exhausted from typing them all.
Just one more.. "I'm pretty easy." Yep.
Andi wonders what he thinks. Ditto.
She asks him if he thinks she would be a good mother. His reply... "I don't know." Also in this convo he says he thinks about her daily and what would happen if he chooses to like her.
Slap.
Him.
Now.
He wants to talk about all these things, like mothering, during the overnight date. Andi says yes to the suite. Everything is calm.. sweet.. and as JP would say, great.
Cheers to a "long-talking night". Oh JP. Please learn me English.
Cloud nine.
Cue beautiful music the next morning. It was a great night. He loves her rounded cheeks.
Oh wait.
What's that?
Andi is less than pleased. She uses the word 'nightmare'. She also says that JP was a completely different person and hopes that he does not think that went well.
Whoops.
She mentions that he's not the greatest listener and didn't care about what she had to say. I love where this is going. The assistant district attorney is ready to go.
Andi shares that it's not a good idea to mention you had an overnight date with another woman on a date. Agreed.
Andi wants to smack him. Finally, someone is on the same page is me. According to Andi, JP has no filter and expects everyone to just laugh and fall in love with him. I can't wait to see Mr. Wonderful's reaction.
JP starts Nikki's date by purring at how hot Clare was in a bikini.
Andi: 1 JP: 0.
Then, I am forced to pause the TV, because I simply cannot believe what Nikki is wearing. I would describe the lower half as silky, foreign pajama pants. The top half, however, is a bit more difficult to describe. Partly, because I did not know this item of clothing existed before watching this show. Picture this: nude colored tassels hanging from Nikki's nearly bare chest region. I think this is her bikini top, but I'm pretty sure it's actually part of a mop. JP will not be thinking about Clare's bikini anymore.
She has to have tape on. Has to.
She thinks JP is stunning in his tank top, cargo shorts, and sneakers. I now see why she thinks her outfit is attractive. Nikki = no fashion sense.
JP makes more innuendos and talks about her walking around in a thong instead of pants.
Andi: 2 JP: 0
Nikki thinks their relationship is based on honesty. I thinks it's based on her lack of clothing.
Right now I can't focus on her date, because JP is incredibly dull... and mostly because I can't wait to watch Andi rip him to shreds.
Nikki puts on more clothing for dinner. JP pets her and wonders what she is thinking, because he cannot think himself. He mumbles some poorly worded 'sentences' and looks severely intoxicated. To the Fantasy Suite...
Nikki throws out a bunch of cliches and finally tells him she loves him. Cue music and the word 'awesome'.
JP thinks he has a tough decision the next day. Newsflash: your ego is about to be punctured.
JP and Chris have a heart to heart. Meanwhile, I am salivating at how impressed he is with himself and how 'good' everything is, according to him. Oh just wait. Not everyone thinks you're Mr. Fab.
JP also pulls the English card and says some of his words are misunderstood. While that may be true, they are not misunderstood enough to take away the title of 'jerk'.
Here comes Andi. Remember the shooting range? This could be deadly.
She was not fooled by his use of the Spanish word for 'little kisses'. Nor was she impressed by his dull conversations. Boy, whichever girl wins is going to feel great after watching this.
She sits down and in two seconds he has on his focused face and starts petting.
She tells him she's leaving and his response is, "That's okay."
Hmmm.
You could at least act upset JP.
His reaction does not please Angry Andi. He uses the phrase, "I like you" again. I am seriously doubting his IQ. JP plays off his unintelligent response using the English card. Again. Is there a limit to how many times he can use this?
Don't worry. He's sad. He likes Andi. But, he's not going to die.
Holy shmoly.
Andi speaks my mind and says she will die if he says 'it's okay' one more time. Thank you. If you think you've had it bad Andi, just think of what the rest of us have had to listen to.
After pointing out his lack of genuine, emotional responses, Andi asks him what he thought of their conversations on the overnight date. He responds with, "I like talking to Andi." JP, did you hear what she just said?
He says it was not offensive to mention his overnight stay with Clare on their date. In JP-land, he was just being honest. And says, "it's fine".
Heavens to Betsy.
Andi says he also told her she was here by 'default'. He defends himself by saying there is no possible way he could have possibly pronounced that word. So he is now calling himself an idiot.
I can't make this stuff up folks.
This can't get any worse.
Wait for it...
He claims he said 'barely' instead. She calls him a donkey. Somewhere, Andi's dad is cheering loudly and starting a manhunt for JP.
They continue to argue about the word 'default'. Andi continues to humiliate JP by asking if he knows anything about her religion, political views, how she wants to raise her kids, etc... His defense is that she should have told him that. Really she should have, because he clearly is either too unintelligent or too hormone-filled to ask himself.
He claims she should have brought up more serious topics in the Fantasy Suite. Lesson learned: If you're honest, you're blameless.
She continues by calling him annoying. Golly I love this girl.
He throws out some more typical JP garb and they part.
He tells the camera that he's just a little bit disappointed.
Tool.
Of.
The.
Year.
Previously I tied Ben and Brad as worst Bachelors ever... but this guy takes the cake.
I no like Juan Pablo.
He would have been more sad had she not argued with him. This guy is a winner. Question... if Nikki and Clare see this argument, will they want to stay?
Andi just made an excellent case for herself as the next Bachelorette.
JP was shocked at Andi's departure. But he's over it.
Andi has him figured out so well, that she can even predict what he's saying when she's in a car leaving the island. Impressive.
Andi: 4,621 JP: 0
JP explains Andi's absence to the other two ladies. Nikki looks confused, and Clare looks like she's ready to take a bite out of JP.
Looking forward to the Women Tell All next week. I'm wondering if JP will survive...
