Monday, August 11, 2014

a new season

Today marks a new season in this mama's life. For the first time, since I was 5 years old, I am not going back to school. School has been a continuous, constant part of my life... as a student, college student, and a teacher.

I am missing the relationships. My co-workers, who are no longer my co-workers, were so dear to me and one of the best parts of my job. They brought me laughter, put up with my shortcomings, and were my saving grace when I was stressed. Now, I have to make more of an effort to maintain these friendships that I so badly do not want to lose.

This week, I will not be in a room full of 6 or 7 year old children. Instead, I will be in a house with a 3 year old and a 9 month old. This is my new season.

I am so thankful for this opportunity. I am so thankful for the peace I feel with my decision.

I know this new season will be full of different joys and different frustrations. It will mean new challenges and new celebrations. It means a different identity and different habits. It has given me more time to appreciate the little things but has its own set of obstacles.

As I enter my new season, I was reminded of these verses:

"There is a time for everything,
and a season for every activity under the heavens:
a time to be born and a time to die,
a time to plant and a time to uproot,
a time to kill and a time to heal,
a time to tear down and a time to build,
a time to weep and a time to laugh,
a time to mourn and a time to dance,
a time to scatter stones and a time to gather them,
a time to search and a time to give up,
a time to keep and a time to throw away,
a time to tear and a time to mend,
a time to be silent and a time to speak,
a time to love and a time to hate,
a time for war and a time for peace."
Ecclesiastes 3: 1-8 NIV

No matter what season you are in, I pray it brings you a time of peace.


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Sunday, July 27, 2014

baby jealousy

I just got back from a week-long vacation with my family in the picturesque mountains of Pennsylvania. It was a week that taught me many things... how much I need a cell phone signal, the importance of a comfortable mattress, and how easy it is to gain five pounds.

But my biggest revelation from the week is...

I'm jealous of my baby.

Yep. She has it made. She can have her cake... and eat it, too.

Why Being a Baby is THE Life Stage of ALL Life Stages

You get to be carried around.. either in the arms of a loved one, or a stroller that unfortunately, is too small for adults. If sat on the ground and reached up my arms at hubster, I would not receive the same results.

Literally, your every demand is met. Hungry? Shed a tear and you shall be fed. Want a new diaper? Just stink up the room. Tired? Wail until someone picks you up, rocks you to sleep, and lays you in a bed full of stuffed animals and ridiculously soft blankets. Where is my blanket made of organic alpaca fur imported from Peru?

You look adorable making any kind of face.
When adults do this... it goes viral, and not in a good way.

 People do not get mad at you. They go out of their way to make you happy. In fact, they even give you jewelry. And watch you chew on it. If I did this, I would be admitted.

People spend hours... and hours... and insane amounts of energy trying to make you giggle.   
You have one job, and one job only. Play.
life. is. rough.
You are completely perfect, even in hideous floppy hats that protect your perfect skin from the hot sun.

You are supposed to get fat. Your rolls are "cute". If you are not chubby, people worry.

You are naturally made with skin that is pore-free, smooth, and blemish-free. And your mouth looks naturally glossed thanks to a bit of drool.
I mean really...
You have nicer wardrobes than your parents. 

You can get as dirty as you want, and then receive a bath in perfectly temperate water.

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Thursday, July 17, 2014

honesty couch: bachelorette edition

Time for the fantasy suites. Last time Andi entered a fantasy suite, it did not have a happy ending for her, although I personally enjoyed her ambush of Juan Pablo.


Andi travels to the Dominican Republic for the final episodes of this season. I must say that I am looking forward to this season being over. Andi has slowly but surely gotten on my nerves this season.

Like any good Bachelor//Bachelorette we see Andi in deep thought, writing in her polka-dotted journal, contemplating this difficult decision she has to make. My hope is that Andi's journal looks like this:

1. Chris
2. Josh
999,999,999. Nick

While talking about Josh, Andi describes herself as a "brat" and a "diva". I'm glad she's at least somewhat self-aware.

Andi talks about Josh and Chris while ABC kills time with relationship highlights. Then she talks about Sir-sulks-a-lot. She uses words like "sweet", "affectionate", "passionate", "smart", and of course talks about the infamous "mental connection". Her list of adjectives is quite different than mine.

Nick is up first. I hope this overnight date goes as poorly as Andi and Juan Pablo's. As usual, Sir-sulks-a-lot wants to tell Andi how much he loves her while looking at the camera with the expression of a kid whose dog just died.

They take a helicopter ride to a private island. I think I've seen this date 42 times on this show. Nick and Andi immediately frolic in the water. As we learned with JP and Clare, no good can come from such frolicking. Andi talks about how they have a strong physical chemistry, ewwww, but that there seems to be a lot that she doesn't know about him... such as, he appears to be a stalker who pouts all the time.

Sir-sulks-a-lot talks about how hard previous break-ups were for him, and that he didn't talk to anyone for 6 months after one of them. This is not helping his reputation as one who sulks... all the time.

The conversation gets incredibly awkward, because Nick becomes tongue tied and can't seem to tell her he loves her. It was painful to watch.

For dinner, Sir-sulks-a-lot wears a clown suit, complete with coral pants, and a V-neck shirt with light blue and neon yellow. As if the conversation couldn't get more unrealistic, Nick decides to pull out a fairy tale that he wrote for Andi. I'm sorry... but if any man would've done this for me, I'm pretty sure I would've laughed in his face. I mean really. This could not be more cheesy. Andi thinks it's "super-romantic" and has her plastered on clown face while he reads it to her. These two are a match made in clown heaven. I did enjoy one part of the book when he described himself as a "big baby". Well said.

I am a little disturbed that Nick finds it so difficult to say "I love you," that he has to write some ridiculous story. Let me help you out buddy.

1. Open your mouth.
2. Say, "I".
3. Say, "Love".
4. Say, "You".

You're welcome.

They immediately decide to go to the fantasy suite so Sir-sulks-a-lot can "talk her ear off". Andi is one lucky lady. I can think of a million things I'd rather do than listen to Nick talk about himself for hours.

Sir-sulks-a-lot finally tells Andi that he loves her. The entire time, she had her frowny clown face on. Maybe they are perfect for each other....

I really don't know how you can be attracted to a guy in hot pink pants. I just don't.

Josh's date is up next. He shows up looking like Cody with his shirt unbuttoned down to his belly button. The guys on this show have some interesting wardrobe preferences.

The two of them tour the city. Poor Josh is sweating like a pig and probably wondering when they get to strip down and get in some water.

Ummm, Josh apparently is fluent in Spanish. Impressive. Where you at Nick?

Josh and Andi dance terribly in front of people, who are genetically inclined to dance well, and are probably uttering obscenities about Americans who think they can dance.

A date with Josh would not be complete without baseball and sports references. They play with some kids. It's cute. Andi is impressed. Yawn. Let's get on with this date.

Josh brings it right away and tells her he loves her. It's a little more believable from Josh versus Nick. Josh is giddy and smiley while Sir-sulks-a-lot looks like he is trying to cast an evil spell with his eyes.

What is with the mass of pigeons on this date? Nothing says romance like getting harassed by a flock of pigeons.

Time for dinner. They discuss family, kids, and the conversation is easy. Andi continues to question him, stereotype him, and doubt him. I really don't know how he's put up with this constant questioning from her. And where is this with Sir-sulks-a-lot? He has red flags shooting out his ears but she doesn't seem to see a one of them.

They walk to the fantasy suite and are surprised by fireworks. I love the normalcy on this show.

Josh and Andi seem as natural together as you can possibly be on this show.

Chris gets date #3 for this week. Andi is not sure if she's comfortable enough to spend the night with Chris. She prefers men who have the personality of a professional stalker.

The two of them go horseback riding, which is one of Andi's fears. I must say that I do enjoy that Andi is not afraid to face her fears or put herself in an awkward situation. The horse starts moving a little faster and she flips out. It's hilarious. It reminds me of myself on an airplane. Her words were "why is it trotting" while mine would be "why is the wing flapping" or "why aren't the engines loud anymore".

They have a picnic, and Andi tells Chris how much she loved his family. Good to hear. Now don't ruin it with this perfectly dimpled, white-toothed, rich farmer. They play hide-and-seek and he carries her around. However, Andi is still not sure she should have an overnight date with him. Did she fall and hit her head before this week? She'd rather spend the night with a man who lies to find out her hotel room number instead of a guy who is a homeowner, land owner, sweet, and incredibly easy on the eyes. I don't like where this is headed...

Can I just reiterate how much better Andi looks with her hair parted on the side versus the middle?

Andi expresses doubts again about her life in Iowa. She is afraid that what she saw in Iowa wouldn't be her everyday life. She starts rambling on and on and somehow reaches a flipping out point. Chris is clearly taken aback and doesn't know how to respond to her freak out. He says the sweetest things while she frowns the entire time. What is wrong with this girl?


Andi basically tells Chris she doesn't share the same feelings he has. For an attorney, she has a hard time getting to the point. "I'm an idiot." Direct quote from Andi. Could not agree more. 

Chris responds with his typical wisdom and respect. All I can say is this guy had better be the next Bachelor.

I think the astonishing thing about this whole episode is that Nick has made it farther than Chris. I can't think of one positive characteristic to say about Sir-sulks-a-lot and yet I can't think of one flaw to say about Chris. Andi... your IQ isn't looking to good here.

Oh goody... a sit down with Andi and Chris Harrison. Let's inflate our egos for a while.

Chris Harrison is getting his workout in walking Nick and Josh down a mile long walk to the shore for the rose ceremony. Andi still feels the need for a rose ceremony.

If she picks Sir-sulks-a-lot, I just might break a television. I'm hoping her pops treats him the same way he treated Juan Pablo.

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Wednesday, July 9, 2014

honesty couch: bachelorette edition

Attorney Andi has made it to the hometown dates. Here's to hoping she doesn't blow up every time she gets asked a difficult question like she has with some of the guys.


Sir-sulks-a-lot is up first. Glad to get the worst part over first. Andi goes to Milwaukee to meet the whiny hipster who once again is wearing the leather jacket with a scarf. I really would like to know how long Sir-sulks-a-lot spends tying his scarves. Maybe he can give all of us, who unfortunately do not have as high an IQ as this genius, a tutorial on scarf-tying.

Nick takes Andi to a brewery and then to learn how to polka. Sir-sulks-a-lot shows us some of that IQ by calling the polka a "Wisconsin dance". Newsflash genius: I know you know everything, but I'm pretty sure the polka originated on another continent. It's called "Europe". Did they skip that class in hipster school?

Watching Sir-sulks-a-lot "polka" is like watching a rabbit who drank far too many espressos. Every time he looks at the camera, his face says creepy//sinister//stalker expert. I really hope the rest of his family does not have the same talent.

Sir-sulks-a-lot introduces Andi to his small army of a family. Andi has a very plastered on face when she's nervous. She also has a habit of frowning when she has a serious conversation. Maybe Sir-sulks-a-lot taught her that. Looks like Eric wasn't too far off when he noticed she wasn't necessarily the same Andi all the time.

Andi enlightens Nick's younger sister on the term "mental connection". She has the smiley clown face plastered on the entire time, and I'm shocked the young girl didn't run out of the room. Did anyone else notice Andi's baby talk voice? Ugh. Shivers.

Nick's mom notices how happy he is. If this is him with joy, I would hate to see him on a bad day. More tears from Sir-sulks-a-lot and lots of tears from his mother. Mom reminds him to be prepared because he could be sent home. He responds with typical Nick humility, "I think I'm the favorite." Let me tell you something Nick. There are three other guys here, all of which have personalities that make yours look dismal, with perhaps, the exception of Shmarcus. Even though Andi has fallen for your act, I don't think Papa Andi is going to, if you get the chance to meet him.

Sir-sulks-a-lot's sweet nothings might be better or more genuine if he wasn't glaring at the camera every time he said them like a jealous maniac.

Thank goodness that's over with. Now it's off to Iowa to meet Dimples {Chris}, who may be the cutest farmer in America. Andi doesn't understand why Chris looks so good today. I do. FYI Andi, it's because you  just came from seeing Nick, combined with the fact that Chris doesn't feel the need to wear frilly scarves, pink shirts, or wanna-be-bad-boy leather jackets.

Chris shows her his house. That he owns. By himself. To use Andi's favorite quote from the season, "Now that's a man." He also has an incredible amount of farmland and machinery. This dude must be loaded. Too bad he lives in the middle of nowhere. He teaches her to drive a rather large tractor and his adorableness is just oozing out of control. Seriously oozing.

Omg. He brought a picnic basket. I just can't. Stop it, Chris. Just stop.

Andi and Chris discuss how she would be able to fit in to the farming community. Andi claims she's not as "city" as people think. She exemplifies this by saying she hunts.

As if Dimples hasn't impressed enough, he sends a plane overhead with a sign that says "Chris loves Andi." While I will say that may be a tad cheesy, Sir-sulks-a-lot looks like a joke right now. Who's the favorite now sucker? I'll give you a hint. It starts with a "C" and rhymes with bliss.

There is a hug fest immediately upon entering the family home. I'm surprised at how much Andi is considering her life in Iowa. I honestly didn't think Chris was this high on her list, but I gotta say, he is bringing it on this date. Andi seems to be much more relaxed and genuine on this date. His sisters basically paraphrase for Andi that Chris has a lot of money due to successful businesses. Andi, this choice could not be more obvious.

His family is as charming as he is. Mom had a great chat with Andi, and I am all aboard Team Chris.

Nick is simply a bad aftertaste at this point.

Time for Josh's hometown. They look very cute ridiculous in their little blue shorts, pink shorts combo. Josh, shockingly, takes her to a baseball field. Watching them chase each other around the bases was incredibly boring. But not as boring as more baseball talk. How many times have I already listened to this conversation this season?

Publicity alert: Josh would like everyone to know that his brother is a quarterback trying to go pro. I heard the words "John Gruden" and wondered if we had quickly transferred to an ESPN program.

I like sports a lot. But I have a feeling that's all Josh talks about. Ever. However, I still would rather listen to him than Shmarcus or Sir-sulks-a-lot.

At dinner, it's the Brother Aaron Show. Andi is a little concerned that all they discuss is sports. Ding ding ding! That is correct.

Mom tells Andi that she can tell Josh is in love with her. Apparently, she picked up on that vibe in all the football lingo. Andi is immediately concerned about the closeness of Josh's family and that she would have to attend every one of Aaron's football games should he be drafted. Yes, Andi. That is a rough life. 

Interestingly, she calls the rest of Josh's family immature by saying that Stephanie, the youngest child, had the most mature response about the issue. I'm sure Josh's family is going to thoroughly appreciate that when they watch the episode.

Mom and Josh sit down for a heart to heart. I would like Mom to stand up, because I think she might be wearing a romper. If so, Andi's maturity comment was accurate. Josh cries, again, while talking to Mom, and I'm disappointed at how easy these families have been on Andi.

Good news: no romper. Just a very short dress on a woman that is probably a little too old to be wearing it.

Shmarcus is up next. As Sir-sulks-a-lot gets worse, this guy doesn't bug me as much. Shmarcus is a big wadded up ball of feelings. He also drives a Mercedes. Are all the guys on this show wealthy? Is that a prerequisite? I am not thrilled about his mint green shorts, apparently colored shorts are a trend this season, but I'm just happy that he's not wearing a scarf.

Shmarcus reenacts the male dancing date so he can strip for his girl once again. Ummm, they then basically make out while he is practically naked. What is the rating again for this show? Andi, of course, loves his "hotness". I find it cheesy, obnoxious, and desperate.

He has mentioned SEVERAL times that he is ready to propose to Andi. Usually on this show, that is the kiss of death. I don't know how Andi doesn't throw up every time Shmarcus lets out another feeling word.

Shmarcus neglects to tell his family about his strip-fest when telling them about his day with Andi. Andi and his sister talk about Shmarcus's over-abundance of feelings and of course portray it positively. Shmarcus cries when talking to his brother. Seriously, can one of these families give Andi one single tough question? Although I will say, Shmarcus's mother is incredibly sweet and endearing.

Andi says life with Marcus would be a fairy tale. I guess Andi loves the idea of constantly carrying around a box of tissues and a thesaurus {for the tears and synonyms for overused feeling words} the rest of her life.

Well these dates have been an emotional snooze fest. The families were way too easy on Andi. Maybe they got word that she flips out and gets extremely defensive over even the slightest critique.

The hard part of this episode came when Chris Harrison had to tell Andi and the guys about Eric's death. It was one of the most real-life moments to ever happen on this show. After a few minutes, it suddenly dawns on Andi that her last conversation with Eric was absolutely horrible and resulted in her kicking him off that show. Obviously she could never have seen this incredibly tragic situation coming, but I think she definitely had some serious regrets. It was a great reminder to us all that you never know what the future holds and that each conversation could be your last.

Andi shows up to the rose ceremony in a mermaid dress, with out bedazzling. Chris Harrison feels the need to make sure she starts bawling again. Andi of course shifts the topic of conversation so that it is completely about her and not about Eric. I like her a lot less after this episode. She was genuinely upset, but seemed more concerned about how this would affect her and the rest of this show instead of considering the family that is suffering, the life that was lost, and what she can learn from the way she acted the last time she talked to him.

Roses go to... oh wait.. let's make this more dramatic. Andi has to leave for a moment. She is very good at making herself the martyr. She keeps saying she has to be strong for the guys, and I want to punch her. Stop making this about you. You think this is tough? Imagine what his family must be experiencing. Not one thing was mentioned about Eric... his life, his mission, what he loved... nothing. It's all about Andi.

Roses go to Josh, Chris, please not Nick, please not Nick, please not Nick, please not Nick, please not Nick, please not Nick, please not Nick, crap... and Nick.

I felt terrible for Marcus. He looked completely blind-sided and heartbroken. It was, of course, a complete sob-fest.

I am not happy that Nick is staying. Not at all. But I am glad that hopefully there will be less emotional roller coasters with Marcus gone.

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Monday, June 30, 2014

honesty couch: bachelorette edition

Andi's season drags on this week. I don't care enough to look up what week//episode this is. I can recap this season in one sentence...

Chris and his dimples are fantastic, Josh is okay, Dylan and Brian are duller than a box of rocks, and Shmarcus {Marcus} and Sir-sulks-a-lot {Nick} are incredibly annoying//immature//insecure {which in Andi's world is code for "perfect"}.


Great. On with it...

Off to Brussels {Belgium for all of you who are lacking in the geography department}. Andi, like any good Bachelor//Bachelorette, throws out some cliches about how beautiful it is and how serious this process is for her. Haven't heard that 936 other times.

Once again, the feminine scarves are happening. Shmarcus has one on with a hot pink sweater. Sir-sulks-a-lot has one on with his attempt at a bad-boy-leather jacket. My opinion of these two just gets better and better.

Chris Harrison has a nice reminder for the guys that it's do or die time. Is it just me or is ABC portraying him as a therapist more and more often?

I lost my train of thought after noticing that Sir-sulks-a-lot has a V-neck {of significant length} on underneath his scarf. Hipster coolness. As if he wasn't arrogant enough, he feels the need to remind us of how he and Andi have so much more than anyone else, that he doesn't care what anyone else thinks of him, and basically that he's a jerk wad.

Marcus gets the first one-on-one date. He might want to think about changing his outfit. Sir-sulks-a-lot might want to think about uncrossing his legs and shutting up.

Shmarcus loses the scarf and changes into another pink shirt {different shade}. This guy has more pink items than I do. No joke.

Shut the front door. Shmarcus has been journaling... about his fear of his emotions. Cliche, cliche... I'm in love with you... cliche. Andi's response: "He's so romantic". My response: "Someone book this guy a therapist {not Chris Harrison}." Also, Andi compliments him in the best way possible: "I'm glad you're a good eater." Boy this attorney has some high standards.

Andi trades in the plunging neckline for evening wear with a peep-hole {that's the only way I can describe it} just underneath the girls. Classy. Some of Shmarcus's neediness is explained when he talks about his father's abandonment of his family. He also reveals that his grandparents "beat" his mother, and she "beat" him as a child before changing her ways. Wow. I'm sure they're thrilled that he's discussing this on national TV. I must admit, as much as I don't want to, this conversation seems more genuine than normal and I'm starting to like him... just a little.

Very little.

Back at the house, Sir-sulks-a-lot talks about how he will do anything to get that rose on the group date. He is becoming slightly stalkerish and has the facial expressions of The Joker. I'm sorry Andi... but you are getting fooled beyond belief. This dude has red flags shooting of of him every other second. He could not get any worse.

Oh wait.

No. He's. Not.

Sir-sulks-a-lot has left the hotel room. And, like a well-experienced stalker, gets Andi's room number from the front desk by telling the worker that she's his wife. This guy is the creepiest, most underhanded, sneakiest, neediest dude I have ever seen on this show. Why is ABC playing their romantic music when she opens the door? Why is there no horror music?


Andi thinks it's great. How is this girl an attorney? She is terrible at reading people and is fooled by the simplest cliches.

And apparently my local TV station agrees that Sir-sulks-a-lot is impossible to watch, because they just interrupted the show for a weather update. Best timing ever.

I come back to Andi saying, "It's so hot." They are kissing by a tree and I want to throw something at the TV while screaming "Andi is an idiot!". If she picks this guy, she is truly the worst Bachelorette in the show's history.

Josh gets the second one-on-one date. Andi expresses her frustrations with Josh not opening up enough yet. Apparently she likes when men just spew random feelings, egotistical descriptions, and cliche after cliche after flippin cliche. It amazes me how judgmental Andi is of Josh because he is an "athlete", and how significantly lacking she is in the judgement department with Sir-sulks-a-lot.

They have the typical dinner-in-a-castle date. Josh, you better bring out some feeling words or you're going home.

Back at the hotel, Nick apparently cannot sense just how much he is disliked beyond belief by the other guys. He shares with us lowly viewers that the rose is "his to lose" and none of the other guys are competition. Humility is clearly his strong point.

Josh and Andi chat about his family. He finally tells her that he is falling in love with her after Andi practically drags it out of him. Cue the kissing and the private concert. Can we talk about how awkward it is that these two are dancing in front of a crowd of foreigners? Why does this show insist on constantly doing this? I mean, I love having 350 sets of eyes on me while I'm dancing with a guy on a date. Especially when we're standing on a pedestal to make us higher than everyone else. Why don't they just put them on stage and let the onlookers sit down to watch?

Group date. Sir-sulks-a-lot shows up in a pop-collared blazer and scarf. I want to deck him. I really do. I want him to fall off the weird bike thingy they're riding on the railroad tracks. His incessant whining and analysis of his own greatness is more than I can take.

Andi takes them to an abbey where there is no kissing allowed. Thank goodness, because I want to throw up every time she kisses Sir-sulks-a-lot.

Guess what????? Sir-sulks-a-lot is analyzing the rose and date again. Goody gumdrops!

Andi takes Chris to make some pottery. Luckily they can kiss, because they're outside of the abbey. They have a clay fight and his dimples are just killing me.

Andi ups the stakes even more. Whoever gets the rose gets to stay on the date while the others have to go back to the hotel. Please not Nick, please not Nick, please not Nick. If the other guys leave than he's 50% of the population on the screen and that is just too darn much. I would prefer 0%.

Sir-sulks-a-lot is babbling again. Chris looks like he just wants to slug him, but he's way too nice of a guy.

Brian, Brian, Brian. He is just so sweet but just so incredibly awkward.

Sir-sulks-a-lot babbles some more about how the other guys aren't as good as he is. Andi asks him if he is "nervous". He neglected to tell her that he's not, because in his mind, he has already won. He goes from tooting his own horn to tooting Andi's horn with more cliches and the whole shy-boy act. This makes Andi feel special, while the rest of us feel nauseated. I wish ABC would use a Vuvuzela {annoying soccer noisemaker} every time Sir-sulks-a-lot speaks so that we at least don't have to listen to him anymore. Those are literally the loudest, most obnoxious noisemakers I've ever heard and yet I'd rather hear that than Nick. I'm pretty sure Andi's keeping him, and I'm pretty sure my patience ran out 3 weeks ago.

Sir-sulks-a-lot gets the rose, and I am resisting the urge to throw//curse//scream. I don't know what she is thinking. He is not attractive. He is manipulative. He dresses more effeminately than I do. He is sneaky. He is creepy. He is insecure. He is immature. NO ONE LIKES HIM.

Smell the roses and the nasty stench of Sir-sulks-a-lot. You just turned down three decent guys for a weasel. Seriously, I'd rather go on a date with a weasel.

The guys are none too pleased. It would've been an easier pill to swallow had she not given the rose to the biggest jerk on the show.

I wan to quit this show {which we all know I never will}. Brian describes Sir-sulks-a-lot as a snake. Even Chris can't stand him. Chris... the super nice farmer boy... cannot say anything nice about him. Josh questions his motives. Shmarcus calls him a term that I completely agree with but won't repeat on here.

Yet Andi is having a grand old time. She and Nick are talking about peanut butter and jelly. I'm not making this up. More cliches. More 'amazing'-ness for Andi. And fireworks. Oh gosh... I need the vuvuzela. SOMEBODY GET ME A FLIPPIN VUVUZELA! 

I would rather have a colonoscopy with Dr. Oz than have Nick be the one Andi's pick.
I would rather eat guinea pig meat {which I have done} than watch more dates with Nick.
I would rather talk to Shmarcus for an entire 24 hours than listen to Nick for one more minute.

Ok. Rant over.

The guys go on a rant of their own. Apparently, all the guys, who do not put people on trial for a living, have figured out Sir-sulks-a-lot, but Andi the attorney remains the only gullible one. Nick comes back to what might be the most awkward 18 seconds on this show's history. The guys call him out. I'm shouting "Amen" after each comment. Even when Shmarcus talks. Chris confronts him about the fact that he discusses strategy more than Andi, which I completely agree with, since we have to listen to Nick analyze his strategy 9 times each episode. The best part is, they don't even know he sneaked out the other night. Brian, the dullest, most polite person ever on the Bachelorette is swearing at him. That's how ridiculous this guy is.


Sir-sulks-a-lot plays the victim very well at the cocktail party. Clearly he listened well to the guys since he, who already has a rose, interrupts Andi's time with Brian. Nick tells Andi that he has a "target" on his back. He has no problem saying that although the guys are experiencing emotions, his and Andi's relationship is different. Delusional much? Overconfident? He makes listening to him even more excruciating by crying.

Thank goodness this episode is coming to a close. I need a pill.

Andi continues her bedazzling trend. She looks like a Transformer. 

Roses: Sir-sulks-a-lot already has one. Josh, Marcus, and Chris get roses.

Bye-bye Dylan and Brian who were very nice gentlemen, but I don't think anyone expected them to get roses.

Dylan's departure was incredibly sweet, and I wanted to give him a hug. Brian was super classy as well.

I need to do some serious prepping before having to watch Sir-sulks-a-lot for another two hours next Monday.

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Monday, June 23, 2014

honesty couch: bachelorette edition

Tonight we're off to Venice. I've been there, and it is gorgeous. It's also smelly. So my hopes for tonight are that Shmarcus and Sir-sulks-a-lot {Nick} get beat up by Cody and then immediately dumped off a gondola into the stinky water and have no shower available. Andi then kicks them off, along with whoever else is left, so it's just down to Chris and Josh. She chooses one, and then the other, or Marquel, becomes the next Bachelor.

Season over.


Chris, I adore you, but you have got to kill the colored pants. I know you're in Europe and have a pantsapreneur with you, but please go for a more neutral palette.

Sir-sulks-a-lot starts off by telling us he stunk on the last group date. I think that's an understatement and that Andi would have had a better time with an opossum. But, this is also the first time I've heard Nick admit any sort of self-critique.

Andi opens with originality by riding a gondola and standing on a balcony. These folks don't look like tourists at all. I'm surprised none of them has a fanny pack strapped on, especially with the amount of scarves I'm seeing.

Andi surprises all of us by choosing Nick for the first one-on-one date. I mean why not reward his childish, immature behavior. Cody, who is the only one who hasn't had a one-on-one date is not pleased. He compares himself to the "pet dog" of the group. Hmmm. Not the greatest analogy.

Andi and Sir-sulks-a-lot do some touring and stand in "awe" of the beauty. I would like to know who tied Nick's scarf for him. If he did that himself then I have a whole new set of questions about him, if you catch my drift. I am amazed at how oblivious Andi is to how obnoxious this guy is. She is constantly saying she doesn't want to be fooled, but he just has to say some cliche and she thinks he's so deep. Their conversation in the gondola is painful to listen to and I'm wanting the guy who's rowing to just knock him out of the boat with the oar.

Apparently for dinner they are going to a masquerade ball, attended by the two of them. And some candles. Sir-sulks-a-lot tells us he's falling in love with Andi but I have a hard time believing him with the grimace on his face. Nick shares that he was hurt by being called "arrogant" by Cody. He tries to explain to Andi why he said he was the front runner. He throws in some mumbo jumbo about not liking the use of that word, even though he himself used it, and having a strong connection and I do not know how an attorney is honestly buying this. I don't believe one word coming out of his mouth. Apparently, Andi thinks him denying and making excuses translates to him taking responsibility for what he said. She must be a defense attorney.

The two of them throw on some masks, and Sir-sulks-a-lot's mask looks like Mardi Gras gone bad. These two are so cheesy, I can't watch. Seriously, I'd rather watch Juan Pablo and Clare. Or Kermit and Miss Piggy. 

Time for the group date which includes the rest of the guys, except Cody. They get taken into a dungeon for the best group date idea yet in Bachelor//Bachelorette history.

Where was this in Juan Pablo's season?

Andi makes the situation "fair" by going first. They asked quite the array of questions from whether or not they are ready for marriage, and if they wash their hands after using the bathroom {Dylan does not}. It also comes out during this fun little exercise that Chris is the secret admirer. He is sweetly disappointed, because he wanted to tell her in a much different manner. Apparently the lie detector test was too much for Dylan and he gets sick to his stomach and has to leave after his turn. Great date planning Andi.

The results are in. Time to sweat it out boys. It comes out that three men were completely honest and the rest lied. It also appears that Miss Attorney lied herself. Her lies were pointless, and she ends up ripping up their results. Are you kidding me? You made a guy sick and got the rest of us excited for no reason! I expected more from an attorney.

Brian let's Andi give him a lie detector test by taking his pulse. Apparently he has one tonight unlike on the last date. Poor Brian is not helping himself with his plain blue button down shirt, khaki pants, and black pea coat.

Shmarcus is whining again about other guys being here. He has an incredible talent of making himself sound like a hero. Attorney Andi buys it all, just like she did with Nick, and he tells her he's in love with her. Whoa. Also, their feet are resting on some sort of fur.

Josh shares with Andi about how he did not care for the lie detector test. Andi can't believe he got upset over the test. I'm sure she would totally expect her dates to ask her to take one on date #2. She looks like she wants to rip him to shreds. This sends her into a spiral of tears and doubts and regrets, and as we all learned after the Eric fiasco, don't question this girl.

Chris tells Andi that he was the secret admirer. He is so unbelievably adorable, if she dumps him, she's insane. How she can date Shmarcus and Sir-sulks-a-lot at the same time as Chris is beyond me. He gets the rose. At least she made one good decision this week.

JJ decides to make this night even more exhausting by getting upset over how people congratulated Chris for getting the rose. How old are we? Chris puts him in his place. It was a beautiful moment. I'm tired of the pantsapreneur and his pants.

Ugh. One-on-one date with Cody. I do not know how he survived the first night, let alone six weeks. If there is a stereotype for the Hulk, this guy is it. I'm wondering if he has all his clothes tailored to fit his overinflated muscles.

This date is the synopsis of "Letters to Juliet", the movie. They visit the place where people write letters to Juliet. They read letters and Cody responds to one. It is actually sweet and intelligible. I'm surprisingly impressed. He should have written more often on this show.

Cody breaks out a deep-V-neck shirt that would put Andi, the queen of plunging necklines, to shame. I literally cannot take him seriously when he looks like he has cleavage. Since he loved his first experience writing that day, he gave writing another shot and then starts talking. And doesn't stop. Literally, does not stop. He basically is trying to convince her to keep him around, and it is incredibly painful to watch. Especially noticing the painful expression on her face. She dumps him and he handles it like a champ. I hate seeing nice guys get dumped. Where's Shmarcus and Sir-sulks-a-lot when you need them?

Time for the cocktail party. This episode has been exhausting and I hope this is drama free. Andi cannot turn down a sequin. This time instead of going for the plunging neckline, she decided to let it all hang out the side. Remember this chick who refused to wear a bikini on JP's season? Nick, who already has a rose, snags her immediately upon walking in the door. She classifies this as him being "a man", where as I would classify it as "insecure" and "needy". The guys are not as impressed as Andi. Chris calls him out and Nick apparently has not learned his lesson even though Andi is convinced that he took responsibility for being an egotistical jerk wad.

The guys pull out all the stops. There is a lot of kissing, Shmarcus is still professing his love, and Brian is reading a poem. Josh is freaking out after their heated discussion on the group date. Intense.

Chris Harrison has not had enough camera time this season so he has a little sit-down with Andi. I fast forwarded, because it's one heart-to-heart I don't want to be a part of.

Roses: Nick and Chris already have one. The rest go to Dylan, Brian, Shmarcus, and Josh.

Bye-bye JJ who can now get back to making pants that I would not want hubster to wear.

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Saturday, June 21, 2014

honsesty couch: bachelorette edition

This week's recap is 5 days late due to my Chicago trip. Better late than never, right?


Last week, there was no new episode. There was an incredibly boring recap of Andi's season so far and more discussion about Eric's death. I didn't care for the way that the show handled his death or the lack of apology from Andi for her defensive freak out the last time she talked to him, but this is an incredibly difficult situation that no one would've seen coming.

So, here's to hoping this week brings us back to the normal: jealousy, drama, and over-the-top dates.

This week they have travelled to France. Josh gets the first one-on-one date. I am currently on the Josh and Chris bandwagon, so this excited me.

Well, my excitement was short-lived. For some reason, the show is deciding Andi needs to have a conversation with Papa Chris. Way to ruin the moment.

Josh, who doesn't want to be stereotyped as an athlete, decides to throw in some sports analogies while talking about the date. He's a 'former professional baseball player' who loves to talk about the fact that he was a second round pick. Not helping. Andi also shares that he is definitely her type: the 'stereotypical athlete' that she always dates... and it never works out. Ouch.

There is a lot of kissing on this date. I would say these two are slightly attracted to each other. They go sailing and have a picnic on some incredibly gorgeous rocks. Andi is concerned about their connection only being physical and this turning into another Juan Pablo situation. Yikes. Josh is still talking about baseball and being a 'high-round pick'. Dude. Pick another topic, please, or I'm getting off this bandwagon.

Meanwhile, back at the house, JJ {pantsapreneur} and Nick tell Marquel that Andrew used a derogatory term when referring to him and Ron earlier in the season. This does not please Marquel, naturally. Andrew is already hated by the guys for getting a girl's number while at a bar soon after arriving for the show. Marquel does not fly off the handle and handles it rather maturely. He ponders how he should go about confronting Andrew and shares why this is so upsetting to him, as an African American. He cries, and this whole situation has made him look even more mature and Andrew look even more like a slimy weasel.

Back on Josh's date, they go to dinner at my favorite place to grab a quick bite, a palace. I can tell you one thing... it's no Applebee's. Her dress is free of bedazzlement but unfortunately, is not free of the plunging neckline.

Andi and Josh have a easy, non-awkward, kiss-free conversation. Josh spills his entire dating past which is pretty G-rated. He says some incredibly sweet things and seems genuine. He better not do anything stupid later this season, because he is my clear favorite right now. Don't pull a Juan Pablo dude.

He gets the rose. And a private concert. Gosh I love this show.

Group date time. I'm trying to ignore Chris's pink pants and chalk one up to the fact that he's in Europe. Looks like the guys are going to learn how to mime. Dylan says it best.... they "use their hands and do activities". Right on.

Watching them practice was fabulous. More bad news gentlemen: you have to go outside and perform on the street. I'm not sure which was more painful this season: the singing or the miming. Shocker alert! Shmarcus {Marcus} is nervous. The crowd was not impressed. The guys all gave it their all except for sulky Nick. He is not happy about the group date dynamics.

The French are put out of their misery, and the date moves onto nighttime festivities. JJ knocks it out of the park and takes her on a Ferris wheel ride. The pantsapreneur has some moves.

Meanwhile, the guys back on the date are having a heated discussion. Nick is called out for being arrogant and smug. He contradicts this proves them right by claiming he is the frontrunner. Cody, who looks like his life goal is to become the Hulk, and Nick get into it. At this point I am ready for Cody to start pummeling Nick.

Cody tells Andi about Nick 'mocking' him. Then Nick tells Andi that he had fun today. Really? Andi doesn't buy that. This guy describes himself as 'excited'. He might be the least self-aware person I've ever seen. Nick tries to blow off the Cody situation. Andi wants to know if Nick is fooling her. Andi... you're an attorney. How are you not seeing how obnoxious this dude is? He reads her a poem and she turns to mush. Yes Andi, you are oblivious. I honestly have no idea why she thinks he is Mr. Wonderful.

If listening to Nick isn't maddening enough, I have to immediately listen to Shmarcus afterwards. Yuck.

Marquel decides to finally confront Andrew about what he said. Andrew laughs and claims he never said that. Marquel keeps a cool head and speaks respectfully. Why isn't Andi paying more attention to this guy? He makes Nick and Shmarcus look like two immature freshman.

I, and every other person watching this, am praying for this date to end. And they say women cause drama. JJ gets the rose. Sir Sulks-a-lot {Nick} looks like his Grandma just died. He really needs to learn a poker face.

Brian's turn for a one-on-one date. Let's hope this date is better than the disaster that was the group date. They go to a little private French movie theater. After watching a movie about French people cooking and dating, they decide to go to the market, buy some food, and then cook. Andi calls this a 'normal, everyday thing'. I don't know about you, but I don't normally go to a French market. They buy some 'normal, everyday' food like sea urchin and frog legs.

Brian is not a fan of cooking. I feel ya brother. Due to his distaste of the kitchen, the date gets real awkward, real fast. After tasting their pitiful attempt at cooking, they go out for a real meal. I'm bored. He gets the rose.

Time for the cocktail party the next day. Andi decides to nix the cocktail party and go straight to the rose ceremony. She informs Chris that she wants to send home three guys tonight. Great. Let's get this show on the road.

Roses: Josh, JJ, and Brian already have them. The rest go to Shmarcus, Sir Sulks-a-lot {Andi's off to a roaring start}, Chris {thank goodness}, Dylan, and Cody {you must be kidding}.

Bye-bye: Andrew {slime-ball}, Patrick, and Marquel {bummer}.

I was so sad to see Marquel go, especially since Shmarcus, Sir Sulks-a-lot, and Cody are still there. Can we sign him up as the next Bachelor? 

Next stop: Venice. I hope Shmarcus falls out of a gondola and Sir Sulks-a-lot gets pooped on by a bird.
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