Wednesday, July 9, 2014

honesty couch: bachelorette edition

Attorney Andi has made it to the hometown dates. Here's to hoping she doesn't blow up every time she gets asked a difficult question like she has with some of the guys.


Sir-sulks-a-lot is up first. Glad to get the worst part over first. Andi goes to Milwaukee to meet the whiny hipster who once again is wearing the leather jacket with a scarf. I really would like to know how long Sir-sulks-a-lot spends tying his scarves. Maybe he can give all of us, who unfortunately do not have as high an IQ as this genius, a tutorial on scarf-tying.

Nick takes Andi to a brewery and then to learn how to polka. Sir-sulks-a-lot shows us some of that IQ by calling the polka a "Wisconsin dance". Newsflash genius: I know you know everything, but I'm pretty sure the polka originated on another continent. It's called "Europe". Did they skip that class in hipster school?

Watching Sir-sulks-a-lot "polka" is like watching a rabbit who drank far too many espressos. Every time he looks at the camera, his face says creepy//sinister//stalker expert. I really hope the rest of his family does not have the same talent.

Sir-sulks-a-lot introduces Andi to his small army of a family. Andi has a very plastered on face when she's nervous. She also has a habit of frowning when she has a serious conversation. Maybe Sir-sulks-a-lot taught her that. Looks like Eric wasn't too far off when he noticed she wasn't necessarily the same Andi all the time.

Andi enlightens Nick's younger sister on the term "mental connection". She has the smiley clown face plastered on the entire time, and I'm shocked the young girl didn't run out of the room. Did anyone else notice Andi's baby talk voice? Ugh. Shivers.

Nick's mom notices how happy he is. If this is him with joy, I would hate to see him on a bad day. More tears from Sir-sulks-a-lot and lots of tears from his mother. Mom reminds him to be prepared because he could be sent home. He responds with typical Nick humility, "I think I'm the favorite." Let me tell you something Nick. There are three other guys here, all of which have personalities that make yours look dismal, with perhaps, the exception of Shmarcus. Even though Andi has fallen for your act, I don't think Papa Andi is going to, if you get the chance to meet him.

Sir-sulks-a-lot's sweet nothings might be better or more genuine if he wasn't glaring at the camera every time he said them like a jealous maniac.

Thank goodness that's over with. Now it's off to Iowa to meet Dimples {Chris}, who may be the cutest farmer in America. Andi doesn't understand why Chris looks so good today. I do. FYI Andi, it's because you  just came from seeing Nick, combined with the fact that Chris doesn't feel the need to wear frilly scarves, pink shirts, or wanna-be-bad-boy leather jackets.

Chris shows her his house. That he owns. By himself. To use Andi's favorite quote from the season, "Now that's a man." He also has an incredible amount of farmland and machinery. This dude must be loaded. Too bad he lives in the middle of nowhere. He teaches her to drive a rather large tractor and his adorableness is just oozing out of control. Seriously oozing.

Omg. He brought a picnic basket. I just can't. Stop it, Chris. Just stop.

Andi and Chris discuss how she would be able to fit in to the farming community. Andi claims she's not as "city" as people think. She exemplifies this by saying she hunts.

As if Dimples hasn't impressed enough, he sends a plane overhead with a sign that says "Chris loves Andi." While I will say that may be a tad cheesy, Sir-sulks-a-lot looks like a joke right now. Who's the favorite now sucker? I'll give you a hint. It starts with a "C" and rhymes with bliss.

There is a hug fest immediately upon entering the family home. I'm surprised at how much Andi is considering her life in Iowa. I honestly didn't think Chris was this high on her list, but I gotta say, he is bringing it on this date. Andi seems to be much more relaxed and genuine on this date. His sisters basically paraphrase for Andi that Chris has a lot of money due to successful businesses. Andi, this choice could not be more obvious.

His family is as charming as he is. Mom had a great chat with Andi, and I am all aboard Team Chris.

Nick is simply a bad aftertaste at this point.

Time for Josh's hometown. They look very cute ridiculous in their little blue shorts, pink shorts combo. Josh, shockingly, takes her to a baseball field. Watching them chase each other around the bases was incredibly boring. But not as boring as more baseball talk. How many times have I already listened to this conversation this season?

Publicity alert: Josh would like everyone to know that his brother is a quarterback trying to go pro. I heard the words "John Gruden" and wondered if we had quickly transferred to an ESPN program.

I like sports a lot. But I have a feeling that's all Josh talks about. Ever. However, I still would rather listen to him than Shmarcus or Sir-sulks-a-lot.

At dinner, it's the Brother Aaron Show. Andi is a little concerned that all they discuss is sports. Ding ding ding! That is correct.

Mom tells Andi that she can tell Josh is in love with her. Apparently, she picked up on that vibe in all the football lingo. Andi is immediately concerned about the closeness of Josh's family and that she would have to attend every one of Aaron's football games should he be drafted. Yes, Andi. That is a rough life. 

Interestingly, she calls the rest of Josh's family immature by saying that Stephanie, the youngest child, had the most mature response about the issue. I'm sure Josh's family is going to thoroughly appreciate that when they watch the episode.

Mom and Josh sit down for a heart to heart. I would like Mom to stand up, because I think she might be wearing a romper. If so, Andi's maturity comment was accurate. Josh cries, again, while talking to Mom, and I'm disappointed at how easy these families have been on Andi.

Good news: no romper. Just a very short dress on a woman that is probably a little too old to be wearing it.

Shmarcus is up next. As Sir-sulks-a-lot gets worse, this guy doesn't bug me as much. Shmarcus is a big wadded up ball of feelings. He also drives a Mercedes. Are all the guys on this show wealthy? Is that a prerequisite? I am not thrilled about his mint green shorts, apparently colored shorts are a trend this season, but I'm just happy that he's not wearing a scarf.

Shmarcus reenacts the male dancing date so he can strip for his girl once again. Ummm, they then basically make out while he is practically naked. What is the rating again for this show? Andi, of course, loves his "hotness". I find it cheesy, obnoxious, and desperate.

He has mentioned SEVERAL times that he is ready to propose to Andi. Usually on this show, that is the kiss of death. I don't know how Andi doesn't throw up every time Shmarcus lets out another feeling word.

Shmarcus neglects to tell his family about his strip-fest when telling them about his day with Andi. Andi and his sister talk about Shmarcus's over-abundance of feelings and of course portray it positively. Shmarcus cries when talking to his brother. Seriously, can one of these families give Andi one single tough question? Although I will say, Shmarcus's mother is incredibly sweet and endearing.

Andi says life with Marcus would be a fairy tale. I guess Andi loves the idea of constantly carrying around a box of tissues and a thesaurus {for the tears and synonyms for overused feeling words} the rest of her life.

Well these dates have been an emotional snooze fest. The families were way too easy on Andi. Maybe they got word that she flips out and gets extremely defensive over even the slightest critique.

The hard part of this episode came when Chris Harrison had to tell Andi and the guys about Eric's death. It was one of the most real-life moments to ever happen on this show. After a few minutes, it suddenly dawns on Andi that her last conversation with Eric was absolutely horrible and resulted in her kicking him off that show. Obviously she could never have seen this incredibly tragic situation coming, but I think she definitely had some serious regrets. It was a great reminder to us all that you never know what the future holds and that each conversation could be your last.

Andi shows up to the rose ceremony in a mermaid dress, with out bedazzling. Chris Harrison feels the need to make sure she starts bawling again. Andi of course shifts the topic of conversation so that it is completely about her and not about Eric. I like her a lot less after this episode. She was genuinely upset, but seemed more concerned about how this would affect her and the rest of this show instead of considering the family that is suffering, the life that was lost, and what she can learn from the way she acted the last time she talked to him.

Roses go to... oh wait.. let's make this more dramatic. Andi has to leave for a moment. She is very good at making herself the martyr. She keeps saying she has to be strong for the guys, and I want to punch her. Stop making this about you. You think this is tough? Imagine what his family must be experiencing. Not one thing was mentioned about Eric... his life, his mission, what he loved... nothing. It's all about Andi.

Roses go to Josh, Chris, please not Nick, please not Nick, please not Nick, please not Nick, please not Nick, please not Nick, please not Nick, crap... and Nick.

I felt terrible for Marcus. He looked completely blind-sided and heartbroken. It was, of course, a complete sob-fest.

I am not happy that Nick is staying. Not at all. But I am glad that hopefully there will be less emotional roller coasters with Marcus gone.

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1 comment:

  1. Just watched (on demand) the hometown episode of Bachelorette and HAD to google to see if anyone else picked up on Nick's stupidity showing in the "Wisconsin dance" comment. I've been giving Nick a "thumbs down" from day 1 but this just sealed itHaving watched my German immigrant family polka many times, I LOL'd seeing Nick make a jack ass out of himself with the hopping. I said to my daughter, "What is he, six?"
    Your comments on the situation made me laugh! Thanks


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